Look of Longing

After posting the Wonder of Watching, it hit me that this disposition of observation is evidence of growth from a very different place in my experience.

Forever, I have had the look of longing. How could I not be somewhat envious of girls with dads to hold them when they’re sad and rub their shoulders when they feel uptight? How could I not be jealous of the girl excited for her daddy/daughter date? How could I not stop from crying when I’m watching a movie with a dad risking everything to the very inch of his own life to rescue his daughter? (Even though the movie Taken portrays a dad that is grossly unrealistic… there is only ONE Liam Neeson. lol) How could I not feel slighted by the lack of any great fatherly advice or protective stories from childhood?

I’ll tell you how I could. Gratitude. I have come to a place where I realize that for every good dad/daughter relationship, there’s a dozen I am thankful to not be part of. Whether your dad is a drunk, criminal, bully, or deadbeat… there is always a worse scenario. How can I long for something more than what I already have? Do I not trust I have all I need? If I have been slotted for less than the next, it is for a reason. If I have been given a harder test, I have the wherewithal to overcome. God gives strength to us to meet the challenges with confidence. There is grace to see others with more and still be content. Your lot is yours for a reason. Live knowing this.

If you have a look of longing, reset your focus, think of 100 ways things could be worse, and be thankful instead.

Gratitude is the remedy to a longing heart.

Love is a choice.

A worthy reflection on one of the first blog posts written for the project. Love is (always and without exception) a choice.

Daddy Broke My Heart

Even though as infants and toddlers we were trained to love our blood relatives, as we come to an understanding that love goes beyond the words and hugs. Love is a commitment to put someone else before yourself. Love is a promise to look out for someone and keep their name from being marred or misused. Love is vulnerability.
Love is something we can help, simply put, a choice. Once betrayed, you choose to stop loving. Your vulnerability is treated as a weakness and manipulated. When Anaïs Nin stopped loving her father, you would think she would have found freedom from the negative energy of that relationship. This was not the case. She succumbed to what she describes as a “pattern of slavery.” A “pattern of slavery” to suppressed emotion, feelings of neglect, gripped in the chains of her own bitterness.

We can choose our friends. But blood dictates who is in…

View original post 154 more words

Humility Heals

Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise. Proverbs 13:10 NLT

Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. NIV

No matter the relationship, when contention arises, pride is nearby.

Pride points fingers. Pride gives up trying. Pride simply refuses to take the humble side.

The conflict you are experiencing in your relationship with your dad or whomever is the direct result of arrogance.

You might be sitting there, reading this, nodding your head in agreement saying, “That’s right, his/her pride is hindering our connection.”

Let me add one more definition to pride: Knowing there is a rift in the relationship and waiting for the other party to do something about it. Feeling like you’ve done all you can is equal to calling it quits. Putting off the responsibility to the other person is pointing fingers!

Take the humble side. Humility heals the breech and it’s worth the trouble.

Unveiled

Unveiled I stand, in the midst of a grand audience of onlookers, feelers, supporters, and my own fear…
Revealed by the ache in my voice, emotions in a haze, my vision unclear.
Naked without the covering of my lies
The lies I told myself to hide
Hide from the reality outside the walls
The walls that stall the people who surround me
from reaching me…who I am beneath
Beneath the façade of carefree
Woe is not the load I carry
But my definition of freedom is limited to the anxiety of being betrayed by somebody
Because no one owes me more than the man who walked away from me
The man who bore me with his own flesh and yet
Abandoned
Alone without him and any hope of ever knowing what trust looks like
Estranged from my faith in possibility
I drown my self in the very thing that keeps my dad away from me
Self-deceit

Unveiled you see a different me
A girl who is hurting
Hurting from the years of pretending
Aching from the hole burning deep within me
My inside raw from the searing
Inflamed, deeply bruised, bleeding
Trapped beneath my skin, deep bruising
Remedy in sharing
So, unveiled I stand
Courageous and daring
Fear gripping my hand
Truth falling from my lips
Freeing me from the grip of the past

Vulnerable and powerful
Lies quelled
Who I am, unveiled.

No Expectations

So if unconditional love expects nothing in return… what does that look like?

Take mother’s love as an example. Any good mother will feed, care for, clean, and protect their child regardless of the kid’s temperament. Sure, it’s easier to care for a laid back, calm child. But a screaming, constantly dissatisfied child will still endlessly receive love and care.

Enter a deadbeat dad.

Loving a dad who is not around can be hard to fathom, but the key is showing him care and concern during the times you can. His birthday. His random visits (if ever). Holidays.

Many times, men are afraid of rejection. Men are terrified of being a failure. Men can also be in denial about their responsibilities. Definitely a dead beat dad.

When you show love and affection, you open a door for honest vulnerability in that your dad cannot use the excuse that your life is better without him. This is by no means true. The presence of a father empowers and energizes his children. Yes, the ideal situation includes involvement. However, contact can spark the potential only a dad can activate.

So, take a stab at loving without expectations. Surprise him no matter how unworthy he is. You never know what’s going on in his head… make it nothing but positive energy coming from you.

Parent Me by J’Son

Pandora chose to play this Christian Hip Hop artist who was begging his parents to be around and invest in his life. The words are a plea… don’t just be my parents, parent me.

Check it out.

[Chorus: J.R.]
Look at my life
Look at my pain
Look at my tears
These tears I shed
I feel so alone, with nobody to talk to
Cuz of the days that I spend without you
It’s like you’re here, but you’re gone (but you’re gone)
You’re here, but you’re gone (but you’re gone)
It’s like you’re here, but you’re gone (but you’re gone)
And you’re gone, gone, gone, gone away

[Json]
I know you’re working, I appreciate your grind
You give me everything I need,
but I really want your time (I want your time)
I must confess, it’s hard to express how I’m feeling
But I’m growing blocks of bitterness, quickly becoming buildings
Listen, you’re never home
To the point to that I don’t notice when you’re gone
I’m getting older, but I’m growing all alone (I’m all alone)
How can you raise me, without even knowing me?
Everything I do, is just to get you to notice me (I miss you)
Realize, you’re the great influence in my life
And you’re absence just might be what’s ruining my
life (you’re ruining my life)
I got questions, but we don’t talk on the usual
My friends are having sex,
and I’m wondering, should I do it too? (What should I do?)
Who should I go to, if you are never there? (Where?)
And if you never ask, will you ever be aware? (Be aware)
You say you care for me, you don’t get it apparently!
I’m young and just a child, I need my parent to parent me!

[Chorus: J.R.]

[Json]
I know you’re hustling (I know), I see you on your grind
You give me everything I need,
but I really want your time (I want your time)
I stay in fresh J’s, laced in new gear
But I would trade it all, if I’d only have you here
I smell the dough that you blowing, cuz it be so potent
Oh yeah, I notice, but you don’t think I’ma wanna smoke it? (I wanna blow)
I see your love for the streets, and I want that love too
You taught me to be hard, but you rarely tell me,
“I love you” (I love you) (Please love me)
Moms be mad, she always be talking bad about you
But honestly, Dad, I don’t think I’ll become a man without you
And she be gone, matter of fact she never home
She come into work, and I’m living like I’m already grown
I gotta place to stay, then get ta shop at the mall
But I’ll honestly say, I don’t have no guidance at all
You say you care for me, but don’t know I can barely read
I’m young and just a child, I need my parents to parent me!

[Chorus: J.R.]

[Json]
I know you’re in Church, I see your love for God (I do)
You give me everything I need,
but I really need your time (I need your time)
Your godly life and love for people amazes me
But tell me should the Church take my mom and my dad away from me?
I say this simply, you know a lot spiritually
Involved in ministry, but often, you don’t remember me (Remember me?)
You teach the youth and show them how to model and live (Yep)
But at home you’ve never shown me what the Gospel is (Father I need you)
How can you share with those seem direly hopeless?
Inside I cry, cuz we’ve never cracked the Bible open
And I’m dealing with pressure, and don’t know what to do
Know what it’s like to be the only Christian in your school?
I bump that 1-1-6, they tell me to live unashamed (I’m ashamed)
But that’s hard when those around you are on another thing
You study thoroughly, but don’t get it apparently!
I’m a babe in the faith, I need my parents to parent me!

[Chorus: J.R.]

[J.R.]
Mama I need you… And daddy I need you…

Unconditional Love

“How deep the Father’s love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He would give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure”

If God loved us for what we bring, what we do, or who we are, all humanity would be hopeless. Instead, we are loved profusely, regardless of anything we could ever be, say or do. This unconditional love is what God, the Father wants to teach us. No matter what, love. Love conquers all and is the source of life, strength, hope, peace, and patience. Love is freedom form the past. Love is forgiveness. Love is courageous. Love is what we all need and who we need to be.

When we are betrayed, abandoned, struck down, and nearly destroyed, we have to remember that love is stronger than evil. Love will bring you home.

Consider how God feels, when people reject His love, so vast beyond measure, in order to live recklessly in a way that God already knows will bring them nothing but emptiness and sorrow. How crushing and yet, He stands in our corner, hoping for the moment we turn towards Him so he can run and embrace us, kiss us, and welcome us home where we belong. Where love lives. Where love gives. Where all we could ever need makes us free.

real love begins where nothing is expected in return

You Can Change Who You Are

After the events of the past, many people lose hope of a decent comeback. You ask yourself, What will people think? You wonder, Will anyone take me seriously? But friend, you’re focusing on the wrong thing! Instead, ask yourself Do I want to regret my decisions of the past when I have a limitless future of possibilities ahead of me? Take courage and put your trust in God who can enable you to change into the best person you could ever be… ever!

I know that look you’re giving,
Like you’ve got something to prove
‘Cause I have walked for miles and miles
In that same pair of shoes

You refuse forgiveness
Like it’s something to be earned
Sometimes pain’s the only way that we can learn

You can never fall too hard,
So fast, so far
That you can’t get back
When you’re lost

Where you are is never too late,
So bad, so much
That you can’t change
Who you are, ooo-oooh
You can change who you are, ooo-oooh

You believe in freedom,
But you don’t know how to choose
You gotta step out of your feelings
That you’re so afraid to lose

And everyday
You put your feet on the floor, you gotta walk through the door
It’s never gonna be easy
But it’s all worth fighting for

You can never fall too hard,
So fast, so far
That you can’t get back
When you’re lost

Where you are is never too late,
So bad, so much
That you can’t change
Who you are, ooo-oooh
You can change who you are, ooo-oooh

So let the ashes fall wherever they land
Come back from wherever you’ve been
To the foot of the cross
To the feet of Jesus,
The feet of Jesus

You can never fall too hard,
So fast, so far
That you can’t get back
When you’re lost

Where you are is never too late,
So bad, so much
That you can’t change
At the foot of the cross
You can change, yeah
Who you are, at the foot of the cross
You can change, yeah
(Who you are)
You can change who you are, ooo-oooh
You can change, ooo-oooh

Skewed Vision

Any girl with a dad who’s fallen off (through divorcing the family, cheating on mom, running away, ignoring the children, dodging child support, etc. etc.) has an idea of what it is to have a skewed vision. Suddenly, any man with similar traits is demonized by the foolishness your dad keeps up and any man who is pointedly different from your dad in ways creates a halo effect. Be aware that both instances are flawed.

Demonization of a person based on similar qualities to your dad are least likely to be wrong, but still can be… in very rare instances. I knew a girl that started dating a guy that reminded me of my dad. No discretion. Couldn’t keep his word. Disrespectful. Sweet talker with no delivery. I immediately didn’t like him. She chose, instead, to see all the good things about him while praying the flaws were redeemable. (As a side note: Women should always assume a man’s flaws will forever stay the same. If you operate on that notion, you’ll have less heartache, headaches, and arguments.) Needless to say the guy revealed the true jerk he was as clear to her in time as I could see within hours of knowing him, but again, we are dealing with two types of skewed vision. Mine being judgmental and hers being naive and unrealistic. I’d say to stick to the negative notion if you have a reasonable reason to believe you’re right. Better safe than sorry.

The Halo effect, on the other hand is tricky. Meeting a guy who comes off as honest, trustworthy, punctual, romantic, thoughtful, and kind will put him in a realm so different than anything you have known having your dad around that you’ll be tempted to think that he can do no wrong. Suddenly you’re singing about Angels and Heroes and envisioning this guy as the perfect savior and redeemer of dumb jerks you’ve known in the past. This is sticky and dangerous because no man wants the pressure of being perfect or the judgement that would come along with his first mistake. If the guy is being deceitful, you’ve set up a perfect stage for a hypocritical show to continue for as long as he can keep up the act.

Try your best to know people for who they are rather than who they are in comparison to other people. Comparing people to others is not only unfair but unbiblical. With that said, be aware of your skewed vision, and look through the eyes of love and honesty to yourself and to whoever you’re dealing with.

“We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.” 2 Cor. 10:12

Love’s Biggest Frustration

Unrequited love is the biggest frustration anyone can face. When you care deeply for someone, you want them not to simply care a little, but care just as much as you do… or more! As sons and daughters, we are frustrated when our dads fail to show that they care. The mixture of anger and sadness causes a deep resentment that makes us want to build walls and close ourselves off.

What we do not often consider is the reactive effect of our decisions.

When a father neglects or disappoints his child, the negative feelings affect the son or daughter.

When the son or daughter closes up and retreats, this hurts them and whoever their life partner is/will be because instead of choosing to address the problem, frustration causes them to hide from the issue. Conflict avoidance… 

The ultimate breech is in the relationship you have with God the Father, who gave His only son as a sacrifice so you could live loving those who reject you, ignore you, and spitefully use you. Refusing his grace and shoving away His will for you to forgive will plunge you into deeper anguish and misery.

Have you considered the frustration God suffers when you push Him away? You feel betrayed because your dad shares your blood, your genes, and should care about you as a human being… right? Well God formed you while you were in your mom’s belly. He knows every detail about your likes, dislikes, and way of thinking. He obsesses over your every move. When you fail to communicate with Him, acknowledge Him in your life, and return His love through your obedience, He is crushed by the rejection.

Now that’s Love’s BiGGEST frustration.

God is Love. He gets frustrated with you when you choose not to trust Him.