Archive | December 2012

Music Monday: What Love Really Means by JJ Heller

As this year comes to a close, remind yourself of what love really means and go into the New Year claiming the promises that are truly yours! The Bible says in Romans 5:5-7

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

God loves you just as you are. You are called to surrender your life to God to experience the fullness of His love. If you feel lost, alone, ignored, downcast, hopeless, scared, or unsure, find sweet peace and rest in Jesus. There is freedom and confidence in receiving the Lord’s forgiveness. Repent and embrace the love of God for you. Listen to this song by JJ Heller and know that you are loved for who you are. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
“Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
What love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said,
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen I’ll, I’ll tell you that I…”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

Merry Christmas from the DBMH Project!

When someone says, “Have a Merry Christmas!” They’re asking you to make the choice to be happy. Today, from us to you, regardless of the circumstance, CHOOSE to be happy!

Keep Calm and have a Merry Christmas!

keep-calm-and-have-a-merry-christmas-35

Music Monday: “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)”

John Denver performed this song and it appeared on three of his different albums. This song is twangy and super country, but goes to show that there are countless children crossing their fingers in hopes that alcohol won’t ruin another holiday of family merriment.

This Christmas, I challenge any adults who know people with children who tend to be depressed, bottle heavy, and negative during the Christmas season to step up and hold that person accountable for their selfish actions. Let them know that their choices affect their kids more than they know. Encourage them to do their best to make the holiday happy for the kids, even if that means missing it altogether. In my opinion, no memories are much better than bad memories.

Don’t stand by and watch a child suffer, do what you can to redeem their holiday with loads of kindness and care. Presents, money, and treats are not what kids remember most about Christmas holidays. Children remember the time you spend with them!

Lyrics:

Please Daddy, dont get drunk this Christmas
I dont wanna see my Mumma cry
Please Daddy, dont get drunk this Christmas
I dont wanna see my Mumma cry

Just last year when I was only seven
And now I’m almost eight as you can see
You came home at a quarter past eleven
Fell down underneath our Christmas tree

Please Daddy, dont get drunk this Christmas
I dont wanna see my Mumma cry
Please Daddy, dont get drunk this Christmas
I dont wanna see my Mumma cry

Mumma smiled and looked outside the window
She told me son, you better go upstairs
Then you laughed and hollered Merry Christmas
I turned around and saw my Mummas tears

Please Daddy, dont get drunk this Christmas
I dont wanna see my Mumma cry
Please Daddy, dont get drunk this Christmas
I dont wanna see my Mumma cry
No, I dont wanna see my Mumma cry

Words and music by Bill Danoff and Taffy Nivert

What would you suggest to a child begging their dad not to get drunk this Christmas holiday?

S/N: If you have a memory of someone who redeemed what could have been a negative Christmas experience, please add it below!

Who Cried Watching Footloose? Not Just Me, Right?

After somewhat of a dreary day, with the weather and unchangeable circumstances, I returned home after releasing a bit of steam at the gym. My mind raced and the thought of boxing made me think that perhaps I hadn’t worked out enough at the gym.

Anxious to accomplish something I care about, I began slaving away on search engines and LinkedIn, looking for some missing pieces to fill the puzzle life has become for me these days. Enough. I can hear a small part of my brain that chimes in during times of distress. Keila, enough. Take some time for you! You’ve graduated and you have yet to really celebrate because you’ve been slaving away to finish the Memoir. Now the memoir is done and you’re beating yourself up for not being productive on a work day? Enough!

I sit stunned at the realization that I haven’t allowed myself anytime to relax. I decided to watch Footloose. What better way to indulge myself for the rest of the evening and forget about my to-do list? I’ll admit, the movie began as a 3×3 inch square in the corner of my computer screen as I continued to try and do research. Who are you fooling? Might as well enjoy one thing fully instead of split my attention and get no where anyway.

No one warned me that this movie had daddy-daughter dynamics!!! *sigh* I watch the tragic, but heartwarming story unfold before my eyes and I begin to cry. As the tears fall down my face, I recognize the words they whisper against my skin. I tune in and feel the emotions of loss and longing and I prayerfully stable myself. For years I would silently cry during movies without the slightest coherent idea as to why. But tonight is different. Tonight my tears fall and I’m happy for the girl on the screen. Yes, there’s a bit of jealousy and curiosity.

There’s the rebel girl with two loving parents that she defies to express her grief and independence. She goes from man to man in the film, trying to feel better, and learns from the new guy that she won’t find worth in a “kiss and tussle.” When she gets in trouble with the first no good guy she’s with, her dad blames the good one. At this point she’s yelling at him all the things she’s been feeling for years that cut him so deep that he lights into her. All of this negative energy is flowing between them revealing miscommunication and pain.

Anyway, the good guy she’s talking to talks to her dad and works through bad impressions to win the father’s favor. Now the dad and daughter have the stage to talk to one another about their fight and how they feel…. and I’m looking for Kleenex.

I ask myself, What would it have been like to have a dad care so much about me that I would be frustrated at his over-protectiveness?

My heart is quick to jump in and remind me that God has held me to a standard of chastity that can definitely be frustrating and I can’t help but smile. This is so true. The difference is that the protective commands from God are perfect. I can trust that I am getting the best results possible trusting Him to provide for me. I can rejoice in that.

I imagined tonight would be a bit more footloose, but I guess there’s a valuable lesson in everything. Be thankful for what you have and make the best of it!

 

Do You Look Forward to Christmas?

I like starting my posts with a title that will catch your eye; something that will make you want to see what I have to say and if can hold any weight.

Many of you may read the title and think to yourself: NOPE. Others might read it and think: “Of courseI Christmas is a good thing.” Either way I want you to read this post and start to think. What is Christmas to me? What kind of feelings does it elicit?

Many of our instinctual or habitual reactions are caused by prior experiences thus if you had many good Christmas seasons growing up  you will probably look forward to the season… it only makes sense. On the other hand, if you were alone during Christmas, your father came home drunk, wasn’t there, cursed you out, made demeaning comments or was just the sore thumb, your feelings on Christmas may be negative.

Many people including society have this conception that the season is happy for everyone; that commercials, trees, Santa and Christmas presents are all a result of a magical feeling you get when you are joined with your family during the holiday season. Let’s be real, other people want to throw up when they see Santa or cheesy smiles on a post card.

Whether your past is overflowing with experiences that cause a rush of bad memories or a warm fuzzy feelings, I want you to realize what you DO have this holiday season.

An easy way to become pessimistic and angry is to never count your blessings. I work with many neurologically impaired patients. I have one who can’t move his legs; one who can’t move part of her arms, and one who can’t even hold up his own head. The truth is that none of these people see the world as a vacuum of hopelessness or despair; in the midst of their disabilities, they see a life filled to the brim with opportunity and challenges.

My encouragement to you is to stop waking up to the dim reality of what you do not have but instead, take to the opportunity that encapsulates everyday even in the midst of a season where everyone around you appears happy.

Christmas is a season made of days and days are formed by perspective.

You may not have the ability to alter the stories of yesterday but you do have power to create a perspective that forms today.

Music Monday: Heal The Wound by Point of Grace

As Christmas approaches, we can reflect and be grateful for the scars we have that make us who we are. This song was sung yesterday during a young people service and I began reflecting on how merciful God is to us when we reach out to Him for grace. The healing process is a difficult one. But I know people who have overcome and bare the scars of the past upon them. They are the biggest encouragement and blessing to others, many times without knowing it.

Listen to the hope in the song’s message and be blessed.

Verse 1:

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I’ve been
But it’s the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I’m free

Chorus:

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don’t take pride in what I bring
But I’ll build an altar with
The rubble that You’ve found me in

And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Chorus

Don’t let me forget
Everything You’ve done for me
Don’t let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Chorus

Q&A: Knowledge Is Not Enough

This post is in response to a question posed to an earlier post: Fear of Rejection.

“What do I do about it? Knowing is not enough to change me.”

True. Simply knowing that you struggle with the fear of rejection is not enough to stop the behaviors that result from this deep-rooted limbic reaction in making daily choices. What you need to do is the focus on recognizable patterns of action witnessing to the presence of this fearful bias. Think about how you would rather see outcomes and deliberately go against your natural inclinations to receive those outcomes. When you become accustomed to looking ahead and strategically changing your behaviors, you’ll see the up-swing in your results.

 

I know this is simple, but stay tuned for my Daddy Broke My Heart memoir coming to you early next month. I go deeper into the details of how to counteract all the daddy issues the blog has helped you uncover. I’m spending a lot of time building that content because the manuscript is due to my editor on the 19th of December, next week! Needless to say, my focus is more there than expounding here. Bare patiently with me, you won’t be disappointed!

Music Monday Reflection: Heart of the Matter by India.Arie

I know this song refers to a lover, but let me remind you that a little girl’s father is her first love! I have listened to this song on countless occasions wondering if and when my dad ever thought of me.

Not all the lyrics apply, but the portions that do I’ve inserted here for a time of reflecting and thinking about the long lasting impact of bitterness and betrayal if left unchecked.

The verse says:

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn’t keep us warm

Why do you suppose we would kill trust and self-assurance?
This yearning undefined is the deeper longing within our souls that people constantly fail to fill. We’ve defined it on the blog as the black hole, an emptiness that feels like a cavity in the chest that no person or thing can satiate.
This is most likely what causes the rage people feel. The frustration of the search for love and happiness that completes their being. Instead of finding the fulfillment in Christ, people resort to their pride and competition that permeates the loneliness as the songwriter points out, “the work they put between us…doesn’t keep us warm.”

The chorus and bridge says,

I’ve been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning them again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

All the people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

From daughter to father,
Even if you don’t love me anymore, I know it’s about forgiveness. I put the past behind me and I walk on with life as it moves forward. Anger will only hurt me and destroy the people I could be loving more graciously.

Happy ever after is a choice.
I choose to leave the hurt of the past behind, but not in pride and contempt.
I choose forgiveness so that I leave the baggage right where we packed it.

 

Fear of Rejection

Our parents are supposed to love us. Even the media, as twisted and backwards as it is, confirms that parents are to love and care for their children. Anything less is villainous and criminal. So, what do you say to a child who has a parent walk away from them and never look back? How do you explain a dad who has no interest in your life? How do you process that every word out of his mouth saying anything otherwise is a lie?

As children, we desperately need stability to stay balanced. Disturbances to our equilibrium cause an emotional imbalance that reverberate throughout our lives. Ever wonder why perfectly capable people with loads of potential settle for less? Less comes easy. This plays out among emotionally imbalanced people with a fear of rejection as an expression of personal interest instead of what it really is: fear.

Examples spread all throughout every aspect of a person’s life. The job chosen by this type of person is not based on capacity of ability and room to grow but rather accessibility within the comfort zone of what he or she already knows. Anything too new or risky is too scary. Why put yourself out on a limb and hope when someone else can dash it to the ground? Going after professions that are easy to reach are also easy to get over if they don’t work out.

See how this applies to relationships as well? This person will shy away from the type of person that he or she inherently feels he/she does not deserve. This person thinks he/she does not deserve said person because deep down he/she does not think said person will want him/her anyway. Though it will never be admitted as such, anyone would be able to attest to this mindset looking at the patterns of his or her relationships. Take Lindsay, for example, who is prone to choose men who make her feel needed in the relationship. She thinks that the more he needs her, the less chance of him breaking up with her. She recognizes his needs and seeks to fill them to show him how valuable she is to him. But this often backfires where the man of choice will take Lindsay for granted and make Lindsay feel like she is not needed in his life at all. This creates the paradigm of being rejected while chosen. He would be a fool to break up with her, and yet he makes her feel like a worthless girlfriend. Lindsay is more afraid of being alone again than leaving this type of man. She would rather stick it out and hope he changes, than venture off solo and look for someone better. What if no one else wants her?

The fear of rejection puts a ceiling on your dreams, locks doors of opportunity, and traps you inside vicious cycles of insanity.

Have you ever seen someone stuck because they were afraid of the unknown? Afraid to leave the one when he or she could change for the better? Afraid of trying and failing? Flip the script. Be afraid that if you don’t try, you’ll miss out on the best thing that could ever happen to you. Be afraid to stay with someone who might never change and will always make you miserable.

Be afraid of never truly being happy if you don’t change your own destiny.

Be afraid of being controlled by your fear.

Because the one thing scarier than what could be is missing out on the good that could have been.

 

Cheap and Easy

What is value and what gives value? Typically when you look at the pricing of a vehicle or diamond it’s what an expert or outside source thinks of it. Ironically, that person only makes that decision based on what the world thinks of its value.

Have you thought of your value? Here’s the thing about human value: it doesn’t have to be determined by me, your friends, the media, or even your father. Your value as a person is both determined and appraised by one person… you.

Appraising yourself as cheap or worthless leads to giving up of yourself in such a way. When people say a woman is easy they are generally referring to how easy it is to get into her pants/bed. When I hear it, I think that she is cheap. She values herself so little that there is no cost to the benefit of sex. I use this example because it’s frequent and easy to understand but the same thing happens with a thousand different aspects of life.

Women often accept the value their father imposed on them instead of appraising themselves at a worthy cost.

Ask yourself if you are worth being treated well, served, or loved.

Even if you have accepted that you are worthless and reading this post just reaffirms that’s how you feel, let me challenge you to reassess and reappraise.

No matter your background or your experiences, don’t sell yourself cheap. Being a human means you are worthy of love. Being a woman means you are worthy of being cherished. Your value is not tied up in your history or scars but the worth only you can deem. Don’t be cheap, don’t be easy; you are worth respect, honor, gratitude, and attention.

Let me make this clear.

You are valuable.

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