Archive | January 2013

Courage to Heal

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.” – Tori Amos

No one is saying that choosing to heal is easy… but it is a choice, and yes, it does take courage. But why put off for later what you so desperately need now? The past is gone and the present is all you have. What’s coming to you is the future… wouldn’t it be nice to look out for your future self and do the hard stuff now? Trust me, you will be thankful you did.

Take courage. Try. No excuses. Your wellbeing and long term happiness is your reason why. Choose to be healed today.

Courage to Heal

Hurt and the Healer by MercyMe

Lyrics and Reflection:

Why? >> Often we ask “Why?” when we are faced with what we feel is unjust. How could God allow this to happen to me? On the other side of my situation, I see that this question is a tell-tale sign of a lack of trust in God’s omnipotent control and master plan. Beware the temptation to question what the Lord allows. There is always a reason! Romans 8:28


The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from being explained >>Lord knows that we can KNOW for years what is to be done and lack the strength to follow through. Remember the scripture from which we can draw our strength in confidence, knowing God stands on His Word and delivers on His promises without fail.


Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering>>When we give all we are to Jesus, he receives glory from our sacrifice and can shine through the hurt we feel by giving us supernatural amounts of grace and peace in the midst of the storm!

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You >> The key is to stay focused on Christ and his love for you. The suffering he underwent for us will always trump anything we face from others. Always.
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it’s rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”>>>>Just keep holding on! Trusting is essential to arrive at this place, the sooner you let go the need for control, the sooner God can show you the bigger picture and where you fit in.

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

[x2:]
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here>>>How are you glorifying God in the midst of your pain?

Power and Demise of Connection

Electricity gives us power. Electricity is also a dangerous current if misconnected. Something meant for good can come as a deadly shock! Being connected to people is like electricity. Good connections give you power. Bad connections… ZAP!

My dad has someone he wants me to meet. He’s been trying to track me down to give me this person’s information and make it happen. “You all will hit it off!” he says, and I suck in my breath… resisting.

I stopped and asked myself, Why?

Here’s the reason: being connected to him makes me feel like I will be pre-judged through who he is. After all, that’s the power of a great referral… immediate access to blessings and accolades without knowing the person yet. Meeting someone I do not know through my dad just makes me nervous. I have to enter the situation on the defense because all I can think of is getting across the fact that I’m not anything like him. I am reliable. I am honest. I accept responsibility. I keep my word.

Am I wrong for assuming that this person I will meet will think the worst?

I see it as simply cautious.

There is power and demise in being connected to certain people.

“divorce…HAPPENS” by Maranda

Today the DBMH Project blog is honored to feature this story by Maranda. 

I’d like to give a shoutout to her for taking courage and sharing her story so vulnerably with us and the world.  Be sure to check out some of her other work and follow her @mettawageshik for fun tidbits on twitter!

divorce… HAPPENS!

The other day I was reading an article that a friend sent to me about divorce. When I was done reading this article, I mentally relived the time my parents went through a divorce. I saw the images run through my head like a flip cartoon book where it looks like the little stick figure is moving. I have shared bits and pieces of this story with people but nobody knows EVERYTHING. Divorce doesn’t just affect the two people getting the divorce. It affects everyone and everything.

I was a 12 year old thinking about doing unthinkable things to myself.  I skipped school because I was too tired from staying up the entire night downloading music and talking on the phone with my neighbor. I always made myself sick. When friends would come over I would hide and turn the lights off so they wouldn’t think I was home – since we lived in an apartment they needed to be buzzed in. I attempted to burn down the apartment by lighting tissue on fire – if it weren’t for my father putting it because the fire became larger then what I could handle, I wouldn’t be here right now. I argued with every man my mom was friends with. We had to move and this vicious cycle continued. My mom healed her open wounds but my wounds didn’t heal until a long time after that. I hated myself because I was going through puberty and discovered boys all during this time. And thought they were horrible creatures. There was one time, where I was lying on my floor in my bedroom crying and punching the ground because I didn’t think it would have taken so long to get over this physical void.

Throughout this entire mess, my parents didn’t know a thing. I’m glad they didn’t. My life would have been worse. The only person that could have changed it would have been me. I did, eventually.

Divorce sucks. It sucks because you think you’re the only person going through it and you don’t think anyone can help. Throughout all of this you think that nobody in the entire world feels how you feel! Divorce is so hard. You don’t know who loves you and who doesn’t. Who do you turn to?

During this time, all my friends still had parents together. They weren’t broken. My friends also had siblings. I had nobody. I felt so alone. I didn’t even have God. This point in my life, I didn’t even know he still existed.

I pray for the children that are going through this. I pray for the children who don’t know how bad it will be because it does get worse before it gets better. I didn’t have anybody. Find somebody. You’re not alone.

I hit an all time low in my life. I’m glad I’m not there anymore. Anyone who knows me knows that I am open about some things but it takes a lot to express my feelings and emotions to people. I don’t express them. I love everybody – la la la – everything is candy canes and gum drops. But the real truth of it is I’m scared to allow people into my life. I’m not fake; don’t confuse this for that. I am cautious. I have given my heart to friends, family, relationships and have been hurt – many times – in the past.

Read original entry on Maranda’s blog site here.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. – Remarkable Leader and Father

This Monday I’d like to pause and reflect on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his remarkable example in leadership. He led millions and he never neglected the most important stage in his life: the home. Dr. MLK Jr. sets a precedent for men as fathers. You do not have to scour the internet for family pictures of Dr. MLK Jr., he has many pictures with his family. He loved his family dearly and each of them knows this. His early death leaves us with many curiosities as to what else he might have done to move our nation. He knew the importance of being present with his family, otherwise we would not see him swinging with his children or playing with hula hoops in the living room!

dr-martin-luther-king-jr-and-children-on-swingBWDrMartinLutherKingJrandhi

Oh to be the child of a strong male leader who shows his love to his own! The King children have the legacy he left behind to pass along to their children, and their children’s children, and their children’s grandchildren. I understand that Dr. MLK Jr. is an anomaly of a man. But I also know every father is given the chance to be a hero in his child’s life. Truth be told, what the world thinks of you doesn’t matter even half as much as how your children think of you! Your children are the only people who will pass along the essence of who you are. As a father, you choose if it will be more than merely genetic material. Give them stories of love, care, laughter, quality time, and compassion. Give them a reason to smile when they think of you. Give them a hope that lives beyond your own lifespan. Give them a reason to celebrate your life even after your passing!

As the daughter of a man who doesn’t get it, I choose to celebrate and honor the men that do. Thank you to every man who has invested in my life enough to make a change. Thank you for your sacrifices that have given me opportunities to soar far beyond where I would have flown from my own motivation. Thank you to my spiritual fathers. Thank you to my adopted fathers. Thank you for doing what you do… and showing me that there are still great men like MLK Jr. alive and making differences in your own worlds that have collided with mine. I honor you today.

Missing – A Drawing by Miss M. Janielle

Thanks to Miss M. Janielle for opening up and providing this piece of art to express some of the everyday pains of being a child of a divorced couple.

Sometimes the simplest of things remind you that you don’t have both parents around. Hurts but expressing and sharing spreads the aching burden to the shoulders of all the supportive sons and daughters who know exactly where you’re coming from!!

Props to you Miss M. Janielle for sharing!!

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When Forgiving Feels Like Losing

During my commute from my apartment to work, this song popped on my Pandora Station. I immediately identified with the message and knew that this weeks song would be Losing from the new album The Struggle by Tenth Avenue North. I’ve inserted my comments and italicized them next tot he lyrics in the song because I really want you to read and ponder over these very powerful words…

I can’t believe what she said

I can’t believe what he did
Oh, don’t they know it’s wrong, yeah?
Don’t they know it’s wrong, yeah?
Maybe there’s something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It’s wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate…
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won’t You forgive them?
They don’t know what they’ve been doin’ (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
‘Cause I feel like the one losin’ >>>> This is the issue. This is where a lot of people choose to skip the most important step of feeling betrayed, disregarded, and mishandled. Instead of choosing to let go and let God handle it, they internalize the hurt and give way to bitterness. It’s okay to be honest and let God know you feel like you have the short end of the stick, but do not forget that forgiving is for YOU, not for them. Keep yourself free of malice. People are not worth your peace.

Well it’s only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that’s mine
Seventy times seven times
‘Cause Lord it doesn’t feel right >>>> You want justice. You want to know that God really understands that these people do not deserve a “pass” on how they’re treating you!
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it’s not that much
When I think of what You’ve done. >>> But we have to stop and consider what Christ went through for us, for that person, and realize that whatever we have to ignore and let go will never amount to what Christ had to do. Never.

This is love, this is hate…
We’ve got a choice to make

Oh, Father won’t You forgive them?
They don’t know what they’ve been doin’ (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
‘Cause I feel like the one losin’

Oh, no!

Why do we think that hate’s gonna change their heart?
We’re up in arms over wars that don’t need to be fought
But pride won’t let us lay our weapons on the ground >>> stop fighting.
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it’ll stop
But truth be told it doesn’t matter if they’re sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down

[x2]
Oh, Father won’t you forgive them?
They don’t know what they’ve been doin’ (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them >>> We have to ask God for the strength to forgive because it will not come naturally. Ask and it shall be given. 
‘Cause I feel like the one losin’
Yeah, I feel like I’ve been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
‘Cause I feel like the one losin’
I feel like I’ve been losin’

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
‘Cause I feel like the one losin’

Uncharted waters of Forgiveness

Sometimes we find comfort in the emotions we are familiar with. The state of forgiveness for big things can be uncharted waters for most people. Do not let the fear of the unknown hold you back from doing what you know is the right thing to do. You might feel like you’re losing, but you’re not. To forgive is to win the favor of the Most High God, Savior King, The Lord… and that’s all that matters.

You can watch the music video by the artists here:

People Blame Marriage For Changes They Control

“After she gets married, everything will change…”

“Once I get married, I’ll…”

“I want to start … when I get married!”

My reaction: What?! O.o

A few days ago, I was texting a friend of mine about different goals and aspirations and the subject of marriage surfaced. She mentioned that her past desires to accomplish certain things were no longer likely now that her sister is married. I couldn’t help but bristle at the suggestion that marriage would stifle any amount of productive activity, especially for sisters! Why would being married make a difference?

My mind then immediately jumped to a wedding I attended just 6 days ago. I asked the ladies around the table the goals they set for the year. To my disappointment, not one of them set any time specific goals for 2013, however, one of the ladies interjected that she has a “before I’m married” list of things to accomplish. My eyebrows raised as I smiled and teased about having a rolling deadline that could happen any year, if ever. I understand where she was coming from, but there are others who treat marriage as a framework that one enters and is somehow transformed? Ludicrous.

Marriage is a spiritual, legal, and social compact made with another person. One day a wedding ceremony happens after the pronounced love and engagement, then the next day is just as normal as past days… only you have someone else you can share each day with from henceforth… if all goes well. What’s my point? My point is that people use marriage as an excuse for not doing things. Losing contact with friends, dropping art or music, getting fat, being standoff-ish… any and everything people start doing all of a sudden was hidden deep down and found it’s way to the surface. Essentially, marriage is an excuse for someone to do what they’ve been wanting to do anyway and have not done prior to maintain marriageable value. Here’s what’s scary, when a person falls in love with you, they’re supposed to fall in love with everything you are and will ever be. The hope and idea behind uniting is that you both make each other better. Like friends, you meet people who love you for you and one day, one of those people end up being your spouse! What’s my point? The point is: if people saw marriage for what it is, this idea of it changing things would be less prevalent. Furthermore, marriage is being used as a scapegoat. People emotionally release themselves after meeting and pairing up with their soulmate. Marriage is not the reason at all. But this isn’t a marriage talk. This connects to dads!

The connection to dads is in the affirmation. If you have been affirmed in who you are often, you will live as you please and expect others to jump right on board as friends and eventually in a marriage with your spouse. Those who have been criticized, teased, and assessed by their dad (or parents in general) will feel like they have to perform. The adult who has been micro-managed or given unwelcome opinions will see their own marriageable value as connected to the assessments from those around them. If you’re that type of person, once you’re married, you will relax and feel as if you’ve arrived. The person you married is supposed to love you for who you are and now that you have them, you will begin to show them. O.o (We wonder why divorce is up at 50% – hello?!) This logic is soooooo messed up. Be who you are. Love who you are without someone else. Do not look for someone else to make you happy or fulfill any pieces that are missing. Rethink your idea of what marriage is.

I’ll revisit this next week, but for now, I’d love thoughts on this idea of marriage changing people when the changes that happen are entirely within said married person’s control.

Props to My Mother

My dad didn’t show up this past Monday. He called 5 minutes after he was supposed to arrive to let us know he was not coming.

“I don’t know why I bother…” I said as I abruptly hung up the phone, frustrated.

My mother gracefully said, “Because it is the right thing to do. I believed he’d come too this time… I’m sorry.”

We girls just decided to have a pizza party at home with my mom. As we were leaving, I told my sister Leila, “I do not ever want to look any of my children in the face and have to say ‘I believed he’d come too’… know why? It’s too much!”

As we drove to the pizza place, I realized that the courage and strength I couldn’t imagine having is my mother’s everyday existence since she separated from my father. My mother has courageously endured countless hardships, injustice, defamation, trickery, and betrayal, and yet she remains whole to support and love us. She lends hope to increase our faith in the pointless cause of my dad ever changing. Why? Because she loves us. Because she’s awesome! Because she’s the strongest woman I know!

Mom, I do not take your grace, love, compassion, patience, support, and beautiful spirit for granted! Though we do not say it as much as we should, on behalf of all my siblings and their descendants, THANK YOU! Our dad may be a failure, but you are the standard of what every mother should shoot for!

God bless you!

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Music Monday: Healing Begins

Today I will be celebrating receiving my graduate degree with my dad. I informed him last week when he called on New Year’s Eve that I finished school and he immediately grabbed his calendar to write-in a time for us to connect which falls on today.

The song that comes to mind is “This is where the healing begins…” This will be the first time that I’ve seen him since starting the DBMH Project 5 months ago. As I reflected in the last entry, I felt different listening to him on the phone this time. There’s nothing personal brewing under the surface. I feel free. No better way to describe it now…

The song says you have to let the secrets out because there is freedom waiting in the sound! I believe that through airing the disappointments and concerns, you can choose to leave them behind you and walk forward into new possibilities. There may be no possibilities beyond simply sharing happy moments and slipping into a place of disconnectedness again, even still… why not hope? Hope gives strength to hold on to faith.

Enjoy this song that instills hope. Take it and run with it!

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So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you’re good
And you can’t believe it’s not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let ’em fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]

So let it fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
We’re here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don’t fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

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