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Perspective Vs. Result

At some point, I heard the statement, “sometimes perspective is more important than results.” I thought about this for a while and it brought me to a couple conclusions.

Lets start with this; have you met one of those people that are happy all the time? They irk you because no matter what happens to them they remain full of joy. I think it bothers the rest of us because we envy that perspective; we envy the ability to remain joyful in the midst of the worst scenarios.

I am not saying that we have to always be happy but what I am saying is that the perspective changes everything. I have recently started to accepting life’s situations as an opportunity rather than an obligation. This alteration of my worldview has resulted in a better lifestyle; a much more joyous one. At any point, I am able to look at any situation and see the good in it, even if it is a miserable one.

A law of physics tells us everything goes from order to disorder… I disagree when it comes to me and you. Maturation of a soul has no end and every situation along the way is an opportunity to develop into something greater.

Start looking at life’s situations as an opportunity and see what changes.

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Check out the website: http://www.daddybrokemyheart.com for more information about the DBMH Project and Keila Harris’ upcoming book testifying to the healing power of forgiveness.

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Music Monday: New Man

How much clearer can it get? Without dad, there is a listless sense of misdirection that creates an emotional cloud that fogs the vision of introspection.

Listen in and embrace the solution… With a New Life comes a New Father.

Here’s some commentary about the song from the lead singer and author.

I can remember when he left
It’s still pounding in my chest
The pain I felt when he said goodbye
All the nights I tried to call
Cause I needed a father’s love
To cheer me on, to lift me up, to be my guide

I try to find my worth
In things that didn’t work
My confidence was broken
I was hopeless

But God, You have made me new
You’ve restored my heart and
Turned these ashes into life
Oh God, You have pulled me through
And everything I was is gone
And washed away for good
I’m a new man in You

I’m trying to walk as a new man
I want You to show me who I am
In You when I forget that I’m Yours
Now I find my worth and it’s set in stone
And it’s done for good

Cause God, You have made me new
You’ve restored my heart and
Turned these ashes into life
Oh God, You have pulled me through
And everything I was is gone
And washed away for good
I’m a new man in You

Oh God, You have made me new
You’ve restored my heart and
Turned these ashes into life
Oh God, You have pulled me through
And everything I was is gone
And washed away for good
And everything I was is gone
And washed away for good
I’m a new man in You

Full Music Video of New Man Below:

The Day After Valentines

The bitter taste of reality is a rude awakening the day after Valentine’s Day. No matter what you did to tune out the simple and blunt truths of insecurity yesterday, the sun has risen again and there they are staring you in the face. Tuning out the truth to avoid facing it is either postponing the inevitable or exacerbating the condition. By permitting a situation to victimize you, you are creating and propelling an unhealthy perspective with such a negative lifestyle. So if we can’t ignore it and we can’t run from it then what will we do?

Accept reality: too many of us try to ignore or run from our situation. No matter what phase of life you are in; married, unmarried, in college, high school, or the last years of your life you have to accept the truth for what it is.  There are many times in our lives that we dream about the next step or even the last one but ignoring the present will only lead to wasted time and precious life.

Don’t allow the situation to dictate your perspective. Each one of us has a story to tell, a history lived out, and choices we have made, which has brought us to our current place in life–whether we like it or not. One thing each of  us also needs to understand is we have the choice to see our lives as an opportunity or an obligation. In whatever phase of life, situation, or current melt down you are in, always remember the quality of a person is not determined by one’s failures but rather how he/she improves from them.

A man presenting to an audience asked everyone to listen to two versions of the same song on the piano. The first version was played using only white keys and then the second using black and white; without a doubt everyone deemed the second as the better version. The white keys are pure and perfect notes and the black keys are the flats and sharps.

Life, as with music, is full of flat and sharp moments but they only add the beauty in the song we call life. With each note, every situation, I urge you to step into a healthy lifestyle growing from mistakes, learning from the past and accepting every moment for what it really is: a gift.

Do You Look Forward to Christmas?

I like starting my posts with a title that will catch your eye; something that will make you want to see what I have to say and if can hold any weight.

Many of you may read the title and think to yourself: NOPE. Others might read it and think: “Of courseI Christmas is a good thing.” Either way I want you to read this post and start to think. What is Christmas to me? What kind of feelings does it elicit?

Many of our instinctual or habitual reactions are caused by prior experiences thus if you had many good Christmas seasons growing up  you will probably look forward to the season… it only makes sense. On the other hand, if you were alone during Christmas, your father came home drunk, wasn’t there, cursed you out, made demeaning comments or was just the sore thumb, your feelings on Christmas may be negative.

Many people including society have this conception that the season is happy for everyone; that commercials, trees, Santa and Christmas presents are all a result of a magical feeling you get when you are joined with your family during the holiday season. Let’s be real, other people want to throw up when they see Santa or cheesy smiles on a post card.

Whether your past is overflowing with experiences that cause a rush of bad memories or a warm fuzzy feelings, I want you to realize what you DO have this holiday season.

An easy way to become pessimistic and angry is to never count your blessings. I work with many neurologically impaired patients. I have one who can’t move his legs; one who can’t move part of her arms, and one who can’t even hold up his own head. The truth is that none of these people see the world as a vacuum of hopelessness or despair; in the midst of their disabilities, they see a life filled to the brim with opportunity and challenges.

My encouragement to you is to stop waking up to the dim reality of what you do not have but instead, take to the opportunity that encapsulates everyday even in the midst of a season where everyone around you appears happy.

Christmas is a season made of days and days are formed by perspective.

You may not have the ability to alter the stories of yesterday but you do have power to create a perspective that forms today.

Cheap and Easy

What is value and what gives value? Typically when you look at the pricing of a vehicle or diamond it’s what an expert or outside source thinks of it. Ironically, that person only makes that decision based on what the world thinks of its value.

Have you thought of your value? Here’s the thing about human value: it doesn’t have to be determined by me, your friends, the media, or even your father. Your value as a person is both determined and appraised by one person… you.

Appraising yourself as cheap or worthless leads to giving up of yourself in such a way. When people say a woman is easy they are generally referring to how easy it is to get into her pants/bed. When I hear it, I think that she is cheap. She values herself so little that there is no cost to the benefit of sex. I use this example because it’s frequent and easy to understand but the same thing happens with a thousand different aspects of life.

Women often accept the value their father imposed on them instead of appraising themselves at a worthy cost.

Ask yourself if you are worth being treated well, served, or loved.

Even if you have accepted that you are worthless and reading this post just reaffirms that’s how you feel, let me challenge you to reassess and reappraise.

No matter your background or your experiences, don’t sell yourself cheap. Being a human means you are worthy of love. Being a woman means you are worthy of being cherished. Your value is not tied up in your history or scars but the worth only you can deem. Don’t be cheap, don’t be easy; you are worth respect, honor, gratitude, and attention.

Let me make this clear.

You are valuable.

Developing An Atmosphere

There are two things that are extremely important: identity and atmosphere. Out of your identity you develop and create an atmosphere. In addition to this concept, a pastor once said, “a culture has to be made true inside of you before you can make it true outside of you.”

Although you might not believe it; you create an atmosphere. If you are a joyful person, you generally create a joyful atmosphere and if you think the world is crashing down around you… well people will not tend to enjoy being around you.

This important concept is monumental and applies to all aspects of life. Because this website faces the pain we face concerning our dads, we will apply it here. In prior blogs, I wrote about how your identity is partly contributed to you by your father; now if we tie the knots we can also say that the atmosphere you create is also partly due to your father.

Challenge: start to think about this. What type of atmosphere do you create?

What type of atmosphere are you attracted to?

Chaos, havoc, peace, structure, cooperation… the list goes on and on but take the characteristics of your atmosphere and the atmosphere you are attracted to and tie it to your identity.

Is there a connection?

Typically you will find a connection between these three aspects of your life. Once you do, take a few steps in the right direction; find the root of each and begin to distinguish what is healthy and what is not. Is your atmosphere productive, enjoyable, helpful? Every once in a while, we don’t realize the association of various aspects in our lives because we refuse to see our own circumstances… but it is time to open our eyes.

 

Mr. Legs and The Art of Loving

Mr. Legs in Italy many years ago is now a confused father.

What a way to start a blog… you are probably more curious than anything else but this story is a good one. In the past few months I have befriended this beautiful, five foot tall, Costa Rican girl; slowly her story began to unravel as our friendship developed.

I met this friend, Chela, at the clinic I am at right now. Soon after being introduced, I got her number and invited her to a monster truck rally… I guess you could say that our friendship was birthed out of a hill-billy craze. That Saturday I drove my Honda Civic up her house to pick her up; little did I know this short Costa Rican girl had a story I could hardly wrap my mind around.

Chella’s mom, let’s call her Ma, was born and raised in Costa Rica; at a young age she fell in love with a man but unfortunately was left empty-handed at the end of it. Soon after, she met an Italian, got married, and lives in Costa Rica. They have four children and after a number of years move to the US. From a young age, the children know their father as the man who brought presents home from various cities that his job took him to. He was never around; he knows his children only by the few days he spent with them at a time.

Here is where it gets interesting; of those four children, only one looked like an Italian. As the children went to school and matured in the US, they began to wonder why they did not look like their father. Although genetically confused, they only knew one man as their father, an Italian traveler. A few years later, he retired; the world caught up to him and, at last, he stayed home only to realize being a dad meant more than buying gifts. He has to actually show love in a different way.

He never did.

Fast forward to today. Chella now lives with friends after moving out of her father’s house. The old Italian man told his daughters he should not have raised them, he left them feeling abandoned even with his daughters there next to him.

Chella’s dad is the italian… she didn’t pick him, he is not the donor of her genetics, and she loves him in the midst of who he is.

We can not choose our fathers and our fathers don’t choose us. Love can be easy, but it is also a choice. At no point did Chella decide to have a father who wasn’t there or disconnected biologically. She loved him inspite of his absence and in spite of his view towards them.

As for Mr. Legs, it must be horrible knowing you didn’t seed the children you tried raising but that does not mean they are not your children. Love them. They need you.

 

Diabetic Ulcer

Most people reading this may not know what a diabetic ulcer is.

Let me lay it out like this: Type 2 diabetes is typically caused by too much glucose (or simply too much eating,) which makes a person intolerant to glucose. This can lead to something called polyneuropathy (numbness) and in turn leads to a person who cannot feel their feet making them highly susceptible to injury. The ulcer that forms on the foot, caused by poor care, can get infected. That infection can get bad enough to where your foot has to get amputated or it would kill you.

Emotional issues are like this… daddy issues are like this. Starts with small bad habit that perpetuates into disaster.

Go to DBMH Project, Inc. Website

Music Monday: Blown Away by Carrie Underwood

When asked what the first image was when the word pain was said, my friend saw her father.
Restoration according to Merriam-Webster (version c): a restoring to an unimpaired or improved condition.
Many daughters today get stuck in the belief that restoration is not for everyone and/or not even possible in certain situations. I disagree… in fact, I strongly disagree.
This song was written in the depths of pain but I am certain the story does not have to end with the last verse. Time to for you to write the next song with your own lyrics.
Here’s “Blown Away” by Carrie Underwood
Dry lightning cracks across the skies
Those storm clouds gather in her eyes
Her daddy was a mean old mister
Mama was an angel in the ground
The weather man called for a twister
She prayed blow it down
There’s not enough rain in Oklahoma
To wash the sins out of that house
There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma
To rip the nails out of the past
[Chorus:]
Shatter every window ’til it’s all blown away,
Every brick, every board, every slamming door blown away
’til there’s nothing left standing,
Nothing left of yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away,
Blown away…She heard those sirens screaming out
Her daddy laid there passed out on the couch
She locked herself in the cellar
Listened to the screaming of the wind
Some people called it taking shelter
She called it sweet revenge
[Chorus:]
Shatter every window ’til it’s all blown away,
Every brick, every board, every slamming door blown away
’til there’s nothing left standing,
Nothing left of yesterday
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away,
Blown awayThere’s not enough rain in Oklahoma
To wash the sins out of that house
There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma
To rip the nails out of the pastShatter every window ’til it’s all blown away (blown away)
Every brick, every board, every slamming door blown away (blown away)
’til there’s nothing left standing,
Nothing left of yesterday (blown away)
Every tear-soaked whiskey memory blown away,Blown away, blown away, blown away, blown away, blown away

Flourishing not just Existing

This morning I woke up stumbled out of bed tripped on a few loose clothes and finally got to the light. What next? I head into work do the same job I do everyday and then see what happens. This is what many of our lives look like; we have a cyclic motion we do daily but I will tell you now that it’s not meaningless.

Ironically this cyclic avalanche of emotions, dreams, friendships, or work can end up feeling more like a chore than an opportunity. At some point in our lives, We wonder what is the point? and is there something better than this? I believe so. Let’s say you get into a rut where you and your father have the same relationship you always had; does that mean that it has to stay that way? Stagnation is only a manifestation of the lack of motivation or effort towards change. If you don’t take the first step, walking/ running will never occur.

Here is my challenge: if you find yourself in a cyclic rampage of nothingness start becoming active (not just physically even though that is good too) but in every aspect of your life. If you continually rush to food or the next relationship, break the cycle; start a revolutionary manner in which you live. Healthy habits are easy to break and are so hard to regain. But work at it.

I know most of you reading this have father issues; most of you desire some key not only to breaking the cycle you grew up with but reversing the one you allowed to ferment. At some point, each one of us has to face the issue and change it; we have to take action against the thing that has for so long encapsulated us in an invisible jail cell. Change has to start somewhere and with someone; I don’t see why that can’t be with you and now.

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