“divorce…HAPPENS” by Maranda
Today the DBMH Project blog is honored to feature this story by Maranda.
I’d like to give a shoutout to her for taking courage and sharing her story so vulnerably with us and the world. Be sure to check out some of her other work and follow her @mettawageshik for fun tidbits on twitter!
The other day I was reading an article that a friend sent to me about divorce. When I was done reading this article, I mentally relived the time my parents went through a divorce. I saw the images run through my head like a flip cartoon book where it looks like the little stick figure is moving. I have shared bits and pieces of this story with people but nobody knows EVERYTHING. Divorce doesn’t just affect the two people getting the divorce. It affects everyone and everything.
I was a 12 year old thinking about doing unthinkable things to myself. I skipped school because I was too tired from staying up the entire night downloading music and talking on the phone with my neighbor. I always made myself sick. When friends would come over I would hide and turn the lights off so they wouldn’t think I was home – since we lived in an apartment they needed to be buzzed in. I attempted to burn down the apartment by lighting tissue on fire – if it weren’t for my father putting it because the fire became larger then what I could handle, I wouldn’t be here right now. I argued with every man my mom was friends with. We had to move and this vicious cycle continued. My mom healed her open wounds but my wounds didn’t heal until a long time after that. I hated myself because I was going through puberty and discovered boys all during this time. And thought they were horrible creatures. There was one time, where I was lying on my floor in my bedroom crying and punching the ground because I didn’t think it would have taken so long to get over this physical void.
Throughout this entire mess, my parents didn’t know a thing. I’m glad they didn’t. My life would have been worse. The only person that could have changed it would have been me. I did, eventually.
Divorce sucks. It sucks because you think you’re the only person going through it and you don’t think anyone can help. Throughout all of this you think that nobody in the entire world feels how you feel! Divorce is so hard. You don’t know who loves you and who doesn’t. Who do you turn to?
During this time, all my friends still had parents together. They weren’t broken. My friends also had siblings. I had nobody. I felt so alone. I didn’t even have God. This point in my life, I didn’t even know he still existed.
I pray for the children that are going through this. I pray for the children who don’t know how bad it will be because it does get worse before it gets better. I didn’t have anybody. Find somebody. You’re not alone.
I hit an all time low in my life. I’m glad I’m not there anymore. Anyone who knows me knows that I am open about some things but it takes a lot to express my feelings and emotions to people. I don’t express them. I love everybody – la la la – everything is candy canes and gum drops. But the real truth of it is I’m scared to allow people into my life. I’m not fake; don’t confuse this for that. I am cautious. I have given my heart to friends, family, relationships and have been hurt – many times – in the past.
Read original entry on Maranda’s blog site here.