People Blame Marriage For Changes They Control
“After she gets married, everything will change…”
“Once I get married, I’ll…”
“I want to start … when I get married!”
My reaction: What?! O.o
A few days ago, I was texting a friend of mine about different goals and aspirations and the subject of marriage surfaced. She mentioned that her past desires to accomplish certain things were no longer likely now that her sister is married. I couldn’t help but bristle at the suggestion that marriage would stifle any amount of productive activity, especially for sisters! Why would being married make a difference?
My mind then immediately jumped to a wedding I attended just 6 days ago. I asked the ladies around the table the goals they set for the year. To my disappointment, not one of them set any time specific goals for 2013, however, one of the ladies interjected that she has a “before I’m married” list of things to accomplish. My eyebrows raised as I smiled and teased about having a rolling deadline that could happen any year, if ever. I understand where she was coming from, but there are others who treat marriage as a framework that one enters and is somehow transformed? Ludicrous.
Marriage is a spiritual, legal, and social compact made with another person. One day a wedding ceremony happens after the pronounced love and engagement, then the next day is just as normal as past days… only you have someone else you can share each day with from henceforth… if all goes well. What’s my point? My point is that people use marriage as an excuse for not doing things. Losing contact with friends, dropping art or music, getting fat, being standoff-ish… any and everything people start doing all of a sudden was hidden deep down and found it’s way to the surface. Essentially, marriage is an excuse for someone to do what they’ve been wanting to do anyway and have not done prior to maintain marriageable value. Here’s what’s scary, when a person falls in love with you, they’re supposed to fall in love with everything you are and will ever be. The hope and idea behind uniting is that you both make each other better. Like friends, you meet people who love you for you and one day, one of those people end up being your spouse! What’s my point? The point is: if people saw marriage for what it is, this idea of it changing things would be less prevalent. Furthermore, marriage is being used as a scapegoat. People emotionally release themselves after meeting and pairing up with their soulmate. Marriage is not the reason at all. But this isn’t a marriage talk. This connects to dads!
The connection to dads is in the affirmation. If you have been affirmed in who you are often, you will live as you please and expect others to jump right on board as friends and eventually in a marriage with your spouse. Those who have been criticized, teased, and assessed by their dad (or parents in general) will feel like they have to perform. The adult who has been micro-managed or given unwelcome opinions will see their own marriageable value as connected to the assessments from those around them. If you’re that type of person, once you’re married, you will relax and feel as if you’ve arrived. The person you married is supposed to love you for who you are and now that you have them, you will begin to show them. O.o (We wonder why divorce is up at 50% – hello?!) This logic is soooooo messed up. Be who you are. Love who you are without someone else. Do not look for someone else to make you happy or fulfill any pieces that are missing. Rethink your idea of what marriage is.
I’ll revisit this next week, but for now, I’d love thoughts on this idea of marriage changing people when the changes that happen are entirely within said married person’s control.