Walls of Denial
For years, I denied feeling anything about my dad. I was full of all the reasons why his absence was a good thing. I’d say things like:
“I don’t care.”
“It’s better this way…”
“He messed stuff up anyway”
“I don’t notice when he isn’t here.”
“Dad complicates things.”
All of my logical assertions of acceptance were all excuses meant to hide the need for him to take an active part in my life. All of these statements flipped would, in my mind, imply a need or weakness.
I do care… but he doesn’t.
Ouch. One sided heartbreak. Knocked up side the head with the short end of the stick from someone who should love you. How do you deal with that? How can you logically think about such an awful thing and be okay?
I lied to myself to survive. I built walls to escape the hurt, only I trapped the hurt inside my fortress with me.
I demolish the walls of denial with the sledgehammer of truth. Acknowledging that I’ve been hurt does not make me weak. Expressing how I feel does not make me less of a person.
Yes, I need my dad in my life. I miss him.
What now? He is still gone. He is still in his own world oblivious to me. What good is the confession?
I’ll tell you what good the confession does for us. The confession opens our eyes to the needy grasp and hold to the alternatives.
Do you have high, unrealistic expectations in your relationships? (Perhaps you may not feel you do, but have you been told you do?)
Do you find yourself frustrated with the people you love in your life?
Do you expect more comfort and validation from your friends than they tend to naturally give to you?
Are you dissatisfied with the male authority figures in your life? Seems like they do not care enough about what’s important to you?
Beware. Daddy issues have a tendency to suck the people around us dry.
Confession will keep you vigilant. Confession will help you listen to the needs of others.
Confession demands respect from others because if you do not allow you to lie to yourself, others do not stand a chance in deceiving you.
The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keeps out the joy.