The First Step – Acknowledge the Hurt
This is one of the most difficult things to think about, let alone to sit down and write. But I am done with avoiding the inevitable. Better yet, I am done with telling myself I’ll be okay without digging deep to get at the root of my issues. I know without a doubt that God has been calling me to write all of this to deal with the baggage of being an emotionally abandoned daughter. There has been a divine call set on my shoulders to openly struggle and put myself on the line for reconciliation–however that may look. I hate writing things without a resolute ending in mind. I hate being vulnerable and admitting that I am hurting if there is no available comforts to my pain. After all, what’s the point? I express myself to feel better, not worse.
Even still, I write. I write because I seek to grow, even if that means I will suffer from the painful anguish of coming face to face with my fears and all the implications of the baggage I have been carrying all my life. I write because I have found that it is only in obedience to the Holy Spirit that one can prosper. I have avoided going in this direction for too long and have reaped the repercussions of it which could have been a lot worse, and yet, mercy prevails and reminds me to stop running from what I should to do. This is the time to unpack all the anger, bitterness, mistrust, hurt, fear and longing from the depths of my heart and surrender my insecurities, questions, doubts, and skeptical attitudes. He has called me to love my father. How to do so is beyond me. But maybe I should start figuring that out.
I invite you to take this journey with me. The journey will surely be filled with tears, frustration, and probably lots of discouragement along the way. But God walks beside you and me and is all the help we need. When things are tougher than we would have imagined they would be, may we always remember that we owe it to ourselves, our Creator, and our lovers to be at peace with the man who brought us into this world. In this, we are never alone. Walk on in courage. If you think reading this might be difficult, imagine having to write it. I feel like I’m being crushed under hundreds of pounds of weight. My chest convulses for air as my eyes blur over in denial of the reality of the feelings I will divulge.
But like with everything else, this journey begins with the first step.
For me, it makes sense to go to the beginning of my dad consciousness: my memories of my first disappointments.